The Council of the Cutler

(Scene:  In a large Halas Hall conference room, George McCaskey has gathered together those he feels are responsible for quarterback Jay Cutler’s dismal career.  Among them are Adam Gase, Lovie Smith, Ron Turner, Mike Martz, Mike Tice, Phil Emery, Marc Trestman, Aaron Kromer, John Fox, Dowell Loggains, & Ryan Pace.)
GEORGE:  Strangers from distant franchises, coaches of old…you have been summoned here to Halas Hall to answer the threat of Cutler.  The Chicago Bears organization stands upon the brink of destruction; none can escape it.  Each of us will be villified & ruined by this man, this ONE doom…Bring forth the Cutler, Angelo.
(Jerry Angelo slowly rises and places Jay Cutler upon the pedestal in the center of the conference room, returning to his seat afterward, sighing.  All present begin to whisper among themselves.)
GASE:  …it is a gift!  A gift to the foes of Chicago!  Why not use this Cutler?  Long has my offense, the West Coast Hybrid, kept the forces of defense at bay.  By the wisdom of my gameplans are your scoreboards kept safe!  Give Miami the weapon of the Enemy.  Let us use it against them!
LOVIE:  You cannot wield him!  None of us can.  The Cutler will throw interceptions and be a career .500 quarterback; we cannot change this.
MARTZ:  And what would a defensive coordinator know of this matter?!
(Ron Turner rises angrily, his face a mask of incredulity.)
TURNER:  This is no mere defensive coordinator!  This is Lovie Smith, Bears NFC title winner & the rightful heir to the Illini football program.  You owe him your respect.
LOVIE:  Sit down, Ron…
GASE:  The Illini has no coach…the Illini need no coach…
FOX:  Lovie is right.  We cannot tame the Cutler.
GEORGE:  You have only one choice….the Cutler must be replaced.
PACE:  Well?  What are we waiting for?!
(Ryan Pace grabs his cell phone and dials up the other 31 NFL GMs, seeking a 1st round draft pick in a package deal for Cutler.  The overwhelmingly negative response causes his phone to explode in his hand, sending shards of iPhone all over the conference room)
PACE:  ARGH!
GEORGE:  The Cutler cannot be traded, Ryan Pace, by any crafty general manager maneuvers we possess! The Cutler was forged in the fires of hype & potential, and since this franchise has failed to harness his talent, one of you must solely take responsibility for this disaster.
EMERY:  One does not simply take sole responsibility for Jay Cutler.  His arm strength and mobility are offset by more than mere body language…there is indifference there that does not sleep…and twitter is ever watchful.  Twitter is a barren wasteland riddled with insiders, conspirators, and fans.  The very tweets you read are a poisonous fume.  Not with 10,000 characters could you do this.  It is folly!
TICE:  Have you heard nothing George McCaskey has said?  Somebody must take the fall for Cutler!
MARTZ:  And I suppose you’re the one to do it?!
LOGGAINS:  And if we fail, what then?  What happens when some other team takes him and makes him actually decent at the position and we all look like incompetent morons?  What if Belichick-
FOX:  I’ll be dead before I see the Cutler in the hands of Bill Belichick!
(Outrage consumes the group, the shouting can be heard in offices several floors down.  One man has been silently watching the entire affair, his gaze fixed on the Cutler.  They make fleeting eye contact, and suddenly the man realizes what must be done.)
TRESTMAN:  I WILL TAKE IT!  I will take responsibility for Cutler!
(All arguing ceases, and faces turn somberly to Marc Trestman’s bespectacled visage, shocked and surprised)
TRESTMAN:  I will take responsibility for Jay…but I don’t want to do it alone.
(Aaron Kromer walks toward Trestman, clapping his hand upon Marc’s shoulder)
KROMER:  I too will take my portion of blame, Marc Trestman, so long as I get to tell Ian Rapaport all about it later.
EMERY:  (rising) If it costs me my dignity, job, and cowboy boots, I will also fall on the sword for Cutler.
TICE:  You have my job.
MARTZ:  And mine as well.
LOGGAINS:  And my…erm…well actually…
FOX:  Can we….can we discuss this?
(Emerging from behind a large plant in the corner of the conference room, Brandon Marshall leaps onto the table next to Cutler)
MARSHALL:  Mr. Cutler’s not going anywhere without me!
GEORGE:  (amused) No indeed, it is hardly possible to separate you, even when he is on a different roster.
(The conference room door bursts open, and Shea McClellin & Kevin White come leaping onto the table too)
SHEA:  You have to take the fall for us, too!
WHITE:  (screams in pain, as the leap onto the table broke his leg again)
GEORGE:  So be it!  You shall all be Responsible For The Cutler!  Mother will be so pleased.
(score sweeps in, scene fades to black)

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